


self-dictation

by dairywrites



Category: Archive 81 (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Developing Friendships, Gen, Injury Recovery, Introspection, Recovery, Transcript-Style Writing, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:53:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27002290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dairywrites/pseuds/dairywrites
Summary: After their collective escape from the LMG outpost, Caroline and Daniel Powell take shelter with Jennifer "Clara" Martine and her brother, Andrew, as new members of the Martine household starting their lives anew. As Caroline learns more about herself and grows closer to her new allies as friends, she keeps an audio journal that helps her to document the transition from the 'weirdness' of her past into the new normal she and her chosen family are continuing to build. Here are its contents, transcribed.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	1. first_entry.mp3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline begins her first recording.

CAROLINE: [Breathing close to the microphone]

SFX: The sound of a 2009 iPod Touch being placed on a table

CAROLINE: [To herself] I think it is recording…

SFX: The iPod being shifted on the table

CAROLINE: Jennifer Martine has lent me this refurbished device so that I can begin keeping a journal. Daniel Powell suggested that I may benefit from documenting my thoughts. At the moment, doing so with something more traditional, such as pen and paper, is something that would be difficult and uncomfortable.

(A beat)

CAROLINE: I will be keeping track of daily or, perhaps, weekly occurrences and goings-on as often as I can, though Jennifer Martine has informed me that maintaining a diary with daily entries can become taxing. Many people who keep a logged record of things that are not related to work or research of any kind, and therefore not compulsory, tend to update their logs only as often as they feel it is necessary to note a significant change. Daniel Powell kindly suggested that I identify the things I am feeling when I sense a difference in the intensity of my physical, mental, or emotional states. This is my first entry. 

(A beat)

CAROLINE: Physically, I am still experiencing pain in my hands and legs, which are healing. Jennifer Martine has offered me pain medications on occasion but Dan and I have assured her that my physiology is notably different than her own or her brother’s and that, although I am experiencing pain, I do not think that conventional medications would be able to treat my pain. It is not especially intense… at least not all of the time. When we first found ourselves in New York City, Jennifer Martine thought that I should be seen by a medical professional for my injuries. Daniel Powell helped me to dissuade her, saying that it might raise alarm for someone in my condition to be taken to a hospital—presenting in an emergency room with ten fingers amputated and both legs broken had the chance of being flagged as evidence of an attack by individuals involved with organized crime. Jennifer eventually agreed that drawing attention to ourselves from law enforcement would not be ideal. I am grateful she decided against taking me to a hospital. I… do not think I would have coped very well in such an environment.

(Caroline takes an audible deep breath in, then out)

CAROLINE: Mentally, I am… preoccupied with general concerns about our housing. It has been a great privilege to be sheltered by the Martine siblings, but I am aware of the cost of living in New York City. We presently occupy a two-bedroom apartment in a multi-level building. Daniel Powell sleeps on the living room sofa. He tells me it is quite spacious and comfortable. I have not found myself needing to sleep all that much as of yet, just as Daniel Powell and I do not possess anything like an appetite. When I remember that Daniel Powell and I do not need to consume food, it notably lessens the tense and anxious feeling I get when I think critically about the possibility that I may be a financial burden on the Martines. Although this apartment is located in Kingsbridge Heights, which Jennifer Martine tells us is an affordable neighborhood, it is a fact that she is the only member of this residence working full-time. I have yet to inquire what Jennifer Martine does at her job. I admit that I am curious and have wanted to ask her so that I can contribute to more casual conversation. Daniel Powell and I stay in the apartment for most of the day while Jennifer Martine is at work. Andrew Martine is a freelance journalist. He mentioned that he writes for a handful of different web-based publications from home, and occasionally he leaves the apartment to interview subjects. He records them digitally, he assured me. I am recording this digitally as well. I do not think it would be wise at all to trust an antiquated mode of audio documentation which is so prone to supernatural tampering. Andrew Martine is rather quiet and spends most of his time writing but has spoken with me while taking momentary breaks from his work. Yesterday, he asked me how my pain levels were while he was waiting for some hot water to boil in the electric kettle. It is a kind gesture, on his part. I appreciate his concern. I hope, however, that my present condition does not make Jennifer Martine or her brother worry too much about me.

(A beat)

CAROLINE: Emotionally, I primarily feel… nervous and uncertain. I think these can safely be labeled categorically under the grouping of fear-based emotions. I would also like to admit that I feel frustrated and angry because I find the pain in my legs and hands to be inconvenient. The pain in my legs is what makes me feel the most frustration. For the time being, I do not have the words to articulate how.

SFX: Caroline shifting in her seat

CAROLINE: I will make attempts to continue exploring these thoughts and feelings in future entries. End of recording.

SFX: A light tap as Caroline stops the recording using the iPod’s touch screen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, reader! thanks so much for reading chapter one of self-dictation! this work/series is part of a broader au concept i've personally been fixated on since first listening to archive 81. as someone who is very attached to the character of suit/caroline, i felt that i needed to give her a very canon-divergent and very self-indulgent happier ending (or, more accurately, a new beginning) with dan, clara/jennifer, and jennifer's brother, who i am dubbing as andrew (in this and other works which may feature him)—given that name by the lovely [allie/plant](https://kaamos-mu.tumblr.com/) who also happens to work super hard on the one and only [archive 81 wiki](https://archive81.fandom.com/wiki/Archive_81_Podcast_Wiki) ❣ in this alternate timeline, everything remains the same until the events of episode 20 (season one, episode ten). to summarize, dan never gets stuck in the 'limbo-realm' where he resides through the events of season three and caroline doesn't die; they live with clara and her brother in new york and are Making Things Work™ the best they can.
> 
> full disclosure, i'm quite a slow writer and i struggle with periodical/serial-format writing (only because i'm currently burdened by academia hell until mid-december) but i hope to update this with more entries very soon! i'm also working on another caroline-centric fic (caroline on the irons au) and a couple of magnus archives oneshots that i hope to churn out before the year ends :') although this fic will be formatted after the style of archive 81's [transcripts](https://www.patreon.com/posts/transcripts-19696013?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copy_to_clipboard&utm_campaign=postshare), this will not be the case the irons-caroline fic, nor other fics to be posted in the near future... unless stated otherwise.


	2. second_entry.mp3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline makes her second entry, trying to put into words the unique sensations inherent to her healing progress and the repossession of her memories, bits and pieces at a time.

SFX: The sound of rustling blankets

CAROLINE: This is my second entry. 

(A beat)

CAROLINE: I have yet to come up with a consistent way to begin these recordings as the metadata attached to each audio file clearly shows the date and time of the file’s creation… As such, I believe that providing dates would only be a redundancy. On Wednesday, after he awoke from a long period of sleeping, Daniel Powell helped me upload my first entry from the day prior to Andrew Martine’s old laptop, which is something of a household utility. Andrew Martine assured us that he does not use it personally anymore and welcomed me to create a folder on the desktop to serve as the receptacle of my audio journal. 

(A beat)

CAROLINE: He showed me how to create a password-protected folder for these files after I asked him if it would be possible to keep them private. He did not, as I had, at first, assumed he might, make any attempt to talk me out of encrypting the folder. He seems to understand that I would like to keep the exploration of my innermost thoughts to myself until I feel comfortable sharing or discussing them with anyone. I greatly appreciated this gesture. To ensure that I was the only one to know the password for the folder, I requested a pencil and he readily provided me with one. I used my mouth to hold the pencil and press the necessary keys and establish a password for the encrypted folder. I made sure that it would be something I could easily replicate in the same fashion without assistance. It is a minor inconvenience at most, though I still require Daniel Powell’s help in moving the files themselves from the device lent to me by Jennifer Martine and the folder itself. 

(A beat)

CAROLINE: As it pertains to my physical condition, my hands are still bandaged where the fingers were severed. The dressings are not as bulky as they first were. Jennifer Martine has been especially attentive to the wounds on my hands. She told me she does not know how the amputation sites could be healing in the manner that they presently are, but I believe the knife of obsidian presented to us by the Boatwoman may have possessed unique magical properties of some degree. It is either that, or the modifications to my form are adapting to the changes in my physiology and are accelerating the healing process. I understand the same to be true about the condition of my legs. The bones themselves have recovered, though I have continued experiencing severe pain and soreness in my muscles. Pain has been the fastest of my senses to return and… and I am learning that my threshold for it is admittedly quite low. Whether it is a deep ache, a throbbing, or a sharp stinging kind of pain, the sensation tends to occupy my mind entirely. It has only been two months since we crossed over from The City and I would agree objectively with Jennifer Martine and Daniel Powell that I have recovered remarkably well in that time. The pain, however, will take longer to adjust to. 

(A beat)

CAROLINE: Standing is the most difficult. I spend four even intervals of fifteen minutes each standing and walking carefully around the apartment to stretch my legs, using the walls and sturdy furniture to correct my balance if I feel that the pain in my legs is going to cause them to give out under me. It is tedious and I move slowly, which often frustrates me. Jennifer Martine periodically reminds me to take my rehabilitation as slowly as is necessary. I can understand that she is a very active woman, so I am inclined to trust her judgement—especially after sharing with me a personal anecdote about the various injury recovery periods of her high school soccer career.  
(A faint laugh and an audible smile)

CAROLINE: Jennifer Martine also shared with me that she has continued staying active because her present occupation is with a temp agency, which has, thankfully, saved me from having to ask. She leaves the apartment for twenty minutes each morning at five o’clock to jog while there are fewer people on the sidewalks. I like to watch her exit the building’s front doors and begin jogging up the street from the window in the front room, then come back and enter the building’s front doors from the opposite direction. I asked, out of curiosity, what route she takes each morning for these warmups, as she calls them. In answering me, Jennifer Martine told me that she occasionally alters the route, depending on the foot traffic, but that she tends to take Valentine Avenue until she reaches East 196th street, then jogs back on Grand Concourse. She also tells me that this routine is one which has been effective in keeping herself sharp and focused at her present job as a fill-in secretary. The pay is very good, she says, but she also explained that being at a desk all day, around people with whom she still has not been well-acquainted, is both boring and nerve-wracking. According to Jennifer Martine, jogging in the morning has helped her feel less anxious while working. 

SFX: Momentary rustling of blankets

CAROLINE: Mentally, I am working on reminding myself that my recovery is unlikely to progress in a linear fashion. It is hard to juggle the unconscious retrieval of my memories without being grounded in a kind of rigid structure… I have found that recalling things from my past is disorienting. I sometimes forget that I am in the Martines’ apartment. I have not experienced anything like a vision of my former life, it is more like a loss of time and place… and body. I do not necessarily know when I have ‘regained’ a memory that had previously been repressed by the procedure performed on me which attempted to separate my self from my body. More and more, I have observed that I am experiencing an emotional reaction to stimuli that I had not previously experienced any such reaction to. One of the most perplexing reactions I have experienced so far happened two days ago, on Thursday. I have parsed that I am, for some reason, repulsed by the scent of Pine-Sol cleaning products. The Martines do not use this variety of household cleaner, it is the rest of the building which seems to be cleaned when the maintenance people arrive on Thursday mornings to sweep and mop the halls.

(Caroline heaves a deep sigh)

CAROLINE: It is an inconvenience and a minor nuisance that I will need to process. I feel it would be unreasonable to make demands from the maintenance workers. I will likely not receive context for this reaction until I have recalled the memory which contains the reason for my repulsion, as I did not previously mind the scent on Thursday mornings. Emotionally, I broadly feel frustrated. I experience relatively little discomfort when asking Jennifer Martine, Andrew Martine, or Daniel Powell for assistance in completing certain tasks. I can ask for things with great ease and I understand the limits of my mobility and stamina enough to perform basic tasks. It has been satisfying to complete small household chores, for example. But still I am still frustrated in my lack of choice in much of what has happened to me. My…

(Another sigh, strained)

CAROLINE: They were not my fingers in the first place. I did not grow them, they were not part of my body, nor did I own them. The body they were connected to was owned by LMG and th- (stammers) My body no longer belongs to LMG. Although I have been struggling to place myself in what feel like regained memories, there are memories I still retain from my time at the Outpost. They come to me when I am resting. I am not sure whether or not I am asleep or if I am dreaming, because I have not felt as if I were coming out of a dream, but I frequently am convinced, especially late at night when it is very dark, that I am still in the halls of the Outpost. The fear dissipates after a moment when I realize that it is not nearly as cold in the Martines’ apartment as the Outpost. If not then, I come to remember that I am no longer in the Outpost when I realize that I am lying on a futon couch adjacent to the sofa on which Daniel Powell sleeps. Sometimes, even still, I do not realize it until I sit up and my eyes adjust to the ambient light streaming in through the living room curtains from outside. When I look out, I know that I am in New York and not in the Outpost. Even more convincing is the pain in my legs and hands, which tends to be the most obvious reminder of when and where I truly am.

SFX: Soft sound of popping of joints

SFX: Blankets rustling

CAROLINE: It has not all been frustrating. I admit that I feel overwhelmingly at ease because Daniel Powell is here. I have noticed, when he expresses to me that he feels more comfortable when talking to Jennifer Martine, I agree with him. I have yet to tell him that I, too, feel much more at ease when we converse with each other. 

(A beat)

CAROLINE: Daniel Powell rests very soundly. I wonder if he sees images from his memories when he sleeps.

(Caroline sighs, softer this time)

SFX: Taped gauze of Caroline’s dressings brushing against the earbud's microphone

SFX: A click as the recording ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, thanks so much for reading the second installment of this little fanfic project of mine, it sure means a lot ❣ my personal tumblr is [starblaster](https://starblaster.tumblr.com/) and my a81 (and tma and wtnv) sideblog is [xkryxx](https://xkryxx.tumblr.com/), so don't be a stranger! feel free to reach out to me on either of those blogs with comments or questions. stay tuned for more in the coming weeks & take care ❣

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading ❣ feel free to talk to me about fic-related stuff (or a81 or tma) on [tumblr](https://mag26.tumblr.com) ❣ asks are always welcome... and super appreciated ❣


End file.
